My status update to our friends and family on March 28th: “Hey guys we really could use more prayers. I just talked to USCIS and was told because of the RFE we’re looking at another month and a half before that approval. We have three more LONG steps after that. This almost guarantees we won’t be there for court by her 5th birthday and means another month and a half of radio silence. I can’t stop crying and find any peace right now. If you’re shallow enough to doubt my faith or to say just be patient because of that then you’ve either forgotten what it’s like to have your child on another continent, or you’ve never done it. If you are thinking to yourself right now….she should just have more faith and trust God….then you should unfollow this page. This is a place to be real about the joys and hardships and I am really low today.”

I’m not gonna lie… this was one of the hardest updates and most broken I’ve ever been in the adoption process. I literally screamed and cried and screamed and cried and asked God what in the world he was doing breaking my heart all over again. I’m not going to lie, my heart is NOT mended. It’s still broken I’m not with my girl. That she is still missing life here. There are no words to truly explain what it’s like having your child on another continent.

In my quiet time I found this verse this week:

I am suffering and in pain. Rescue me, O God, by your saving power. Can I be honest? No rescuing has happened since then. Not in the form I wanted. Then, this popped into my newsfeed:

I’ll be honest, at first I rolled my eyes when I saw it. Umm God if I’m searching and working towards the things you say we should do then obviously it’s your will and you should be cutting us some breaks here.

I felt very convicted throughout the next few days in my quiet time. I’m happy to tell you that in the past, I would have just let my quiet time go for the next few days, but not this time. You see I would rationalize that God and I needed some cooling off time. I would probably pray some, maybe even worship, but I’m gonna pass on the obedience to be in your word thanks. I’ve finally discovered though that when I’m down and out that’s when I MOST need to be in his word.

I have stayed in his word… every…single…day since I’ve felt broken. God has showed me grace I would have missed, with my eyes closed tight, in lies and fears before. Right after I posted that sadness I had friends jump in and offer to help, make dinner, pray for us, offer condolences. I felt heard. People got how hard it was. I struggle with not always feeling that way. God blew me a kiss in this.

After that he allowed this: Adelyn came home in May of 2017 and was at the airport when Maggie came home in July of 2017. You can see their bodies relax more in each picture since then. They’re growing up together. So good for a weary heart tonight. They DO come home. They’re here. They’re amazing. The love I have for both of these girls is out of this world! They’re amazing. Together their whole lives in India. Came here two hours away from each other and ended up with matching hearing aids 😂😂. Special friends like family are good for the soul. #MumbaiToAlabama #soulsisters #AdelynandMaggie #YashikaandGuyatri

We were awarded a $1000 grant for Ansley’s plane tickets last week. Adelyn came through surgery with zero issues, not even nausea and throwing up.

In this time I was convicted that the “shrines and idols” I had of our new daughter in every aspect of my life needed to be reduced. I needed to quit obsessing and let God. So I went around and on everything I had plastered her picture (with the exception of the fridge and our family wall) I replaced with scriptures that give me strength. Everyday I read them and take a deep breath and pray thanksgiving to God.

Finally, this morning as I was in my quiet time God did give me some peace! I realized the dream I had about Ansley came to me on Christmas night. We weren’t matched with her until after the new year. So we will not go a SINGLE Christmas, Thanksgiving, or New Years being matched with our daughter and not having her in our arms. Holidays are hard for me since I lost my mom. Like really hard. This is the sweetest gift from God to me. I don’t have to spend the holidays apart from her anymore. I know we will be with her before then!

The moral of the story? Don’t LOSE FAITH, don’t stop your quiet time, don’t stop listening. Just when I thought I had really stumped God…. oh there was no peace to be had here…. he showed me. I know that I would have missed it if I had pulled away in my anger. Keep your eyes open. He may still be saying “not yet”, but he sure is trying to cushion the blow. Just like when Adelyn had surgery we tried to make everything comfortable and fun for her…. but it still hurt to have surgery… he is doing the same for me. Just like a loving parent will do.